Tag: sex toys

One two three four, squeeze two three four

I recently joined a new exercise class. The instructor is fantastic, works us really hard and after each class I always say ‘God I’m never gonna walk again…’

It’s usually the only thing I say. I don’t talk much during the class because of the PAIN IN MY THIGHS, also I like to focus on my breathing, count the crunches, 12, 13, 14, 101, hey that’s 200, keep going, 201, sweet jesus this is hard work.

Other people are chatty. They talk about their kids, their work, their partners and their problems. I listen but I don’t join in.

Until the last class.

I moaned. Not my usual ‘Ow this is really hard’ but I kind of exhaled the ‘Ooooow oooooh this is really  hard.’

‘You make the pain sound sexy,’ said my instructor.

‘Well I am a sex writer, ‘ I replied. ‘I can make anything sound sexy.’

The class drew to a halt.

I had finally spoken in my exercise class.

And it was up to me to speak a little bit more.

I told them about my blog and the name of it and how sometimes I test sex toys and which are the best sex toys but the most brilliant thing – I kept on squeezing my gluteus maximus.

402, 403, 404…

Reader.  This is a breakthrough moment.

Not only have I finally spoken in my exercise class but I have the best butt in my exercise class.

Everyone else has rushed out to buy sex toys.

Now it’s just me.

And I don’t have to talk to anyone.

405, 406…





The other night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, had weird dreams, watched Netflix, made tea, still couldn’t sleep, messed around online, eventually smoked a small joint. I slept. And in the morning I did yoga. Cat pose, child’s pose and cobra pose. I’m … Continue reading OM