Tag: porn

Porn – it’s not for everyone

This morning I got a message from my best friend forever who follows my blogs.

Violet. She said. For Gods Sake, x-rate your bloody stories. I’m too much of a prude to read them.

Oh come on, I replied. Put on some heels, ask your hunky handyman husband to tie you up, then call me afterwards and tell me everything.

But really, I had offended her.

Porn, or erotica, is not her thing. I just presume it’s everybody’s thing, I mean, how can it not be?

But she really isn’t into it.

And I know that sometimes I have opened other people’s delicious blogs in my coffee shop and gone OH MY GOD and spat coffee all over my computer screen.

So, in the interests of friendship, and her new Macbook, I am going to start x-rating my stuff.

But first, because I know she’s reading this one, I’ll quickly say:-

There’s nothing better

Than morning sex

When he wakes you up

Pulls down your panties

And fucks you

Slowly

Gently

From behind

Even

If it’s just on the phone.

Have a groovy day, everyone. See ya with my new x ratings!

Online dating guidelines – men only.

Pay attention men.  I’m about to give you an online dating manual.  It’s free.  It’s valuable. It could change your life.

1.Put up a photo. Check it really carefully and make sure that it is actually of you, because apparently it’s easy to make mistakes.

2. Do not describe yourself as a stud. Take the word sensual out of your profile. Carnal and lustful should probably go too.

3. Avoid copy and paste. I know how easy and tempting it is, but it’s a little obvious, barely amusing and extremely boring.

4. Don’t declare your undying love to your perfect match before you even know her name. I’d suggest a conversation first: Something like – “Hi there. You seem interesting. I’m Dave and I live in Sandton. Would you like to chat?”.

5. To the guy who says “I want to splash around with you like two birds in a bath”, just – no.

6. To the guy who says “You’re so sexy. What are you wearing?”, it’s mostly a yawn factor. There are porn sites for that.

7. Avoid using emoticons.

8. Unless you are a poet or a philosopher, don’t call yourself either. Be the carpenter, chemist or chiropractor that you really are. There’s nothing wrong with being a builder, or a baker. We girls like honesty.

9. Reminder: Keep your shirt on, and re-assess that photo.

10. Spell check. This is an easy one. At the top of your page, click tools, spelling and then grammar. It’ll even check your apostrophes for you.

11. Nobody, nobody, wants to see a picture of your dick. Yes, even yours – especially yours.

12. If you’re 60 and looking for a beautiful and athletic young woman (between the ages of 20 and 30), get real. Also, go fuck yourself.

13. This, dear men, is a tricky one. Remember: there is a difference between single and separated.  Single means you are most definitely on your own. Separated means you still have a wife or partner somewhere. There is a difference. While it may not be important to you, it is important to us.

14. And if you’re just looking for a quick lay, kindly refer to point number 6. Porn sites. There are plenty and some are even free. Make sure you hide the evidence from your wife.

There you are. I trust you read attentively and that you’re going to keep it real from now on. I’ll spank you if you don’t.

man