Tag: Ohm

Yoga

I’d rushed like crazy and was a bit pissed that the yoga instructor was late. She breezed in, all beautiful in Lululemon white, no apologies.

This is a sacred space, she said, looking directly at me. Please keep your phone out of sight. Lay down, close your eyes, breathe.

I yawned into the sacred space. An hour and a half without my phone is a long time. But hey – yoga, inner peace, mindfulness – I tucked it under my towel, lay down on my mat and assumed the corpse pose.

Death. Shavasana.

Another yogi came in. I would’ve smiled at her but actually, she slammed her mat down on top of mine, crowding me out of my own sacred yogic space.

Christ, I thought.

But I never said that because yoga is just so quiet and peaceful.

Instead I shifted up a little and reassumed the death pose.

I focused on my breathing.

The room had that heady smell – incense, perfume, deodorant, feet.

The guy with the feet was on my left. Also a bit too close. Would it be terribly unyogic of me to move across the room?

I moved.

Without my towel. Or my phone.

The class began. Tree pose, sun salutations, downward dog.

Five minutes in downward dog is a very  long time. Especially when through my legs I could see the guy with the smelly feet’s penis. He wasn’t wearing Lululemon.  Or underwear.

I groaned. Everyone looked at me. You’re not meant to groan during yoga. That quiet sacred space, remember.

This was not turning into a mindful experience. Especially as across the room I could see the flickering light of my phone under the towel.

It took all my power not to leap up, grab my phone and run out of the class.

I started berating myself.

Focus, Violet. Breathe through your fucking nose, Violet. Concentrate on that third eye, Violet. Stop giving the man the death stare, Violet.

The torture ended.  The all-in-white super calm teacher dimmed the lights.

And chanted, in her sing song voice.

Feel the nothingness. Get into the nothingness.  Find yourself a mantra.

Ohm. Ohm.

I found myself a mantra.

Don’t think about killing her, I chanted. Don’t think about killing her, don’t think about killing her, don’t…

She droned on and on.

And somehow I fell asleep.

When I woke, it was really quiet. No-one on top of me. No smells. No penises. No-one in my sacred space.

I felt fantastic.

I got up slowly, stretched,  gathered my thoughts and walked home.

So calm, I thought. So calm.  I loved that class.

Except my phone battery was dead.

And there’s no way in hell I’m ever going back.

yoga