Tag: dating profile

Meet me.

I know that I’m a little late to the Ashley Madison dating site scandal but I’ve been somewhat consumed by my own dating site scandal.

I subscribed to The Perfect Partner about a year ago. It didn’t go very well, mainly because I don’t think there is a perfect partner out there, also because I kept losing my perfect password.

Anyway. After one too many shirtless pics, LookingForFun69 messages and a little sexual harrasment from NaughtyBoy, I decided it was time to unsubscribe.

You try unsubscribe from a dating site. It’s seriously near damn impossible, and I give up every single time. It goes like this.

  • Find the  teeny writing in the bottom left-hand corner that says Cancel Subscription. It will be well hidden by a young couple holding hands on the beach.
  • Click on the link  where you spend the next ten minutes looking for another link.  More happy people will appear.
  • Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?  Y/N.
  • Why do you want to unsubscribe?          None of your business.
  • Can you tell us anything else?                 No.
  • Right, soon you’ll be alone forever.          

At which point I give up and continue getting messages from men looking for adventure and anal sex.

I realise I have more chance of meeting a man in the two-minute noodle section at the grocery store than online.

Which brings me back to Ashley Madison.

There was outrage that the site encouraged adultery. But at least it was an honest cheating site with clear instructions. And there was outrage that subscribers had to pay to delete their profiles. Personally, I would pay hundreds of thousands right now to get away from the Perfect Fucking Partner.

Maybe I’m going to start my own dating site. Go ahead readers, please subscribe. It’s going to at least be honest.

http://www.you’llneverfindaboyfriend.com

horror

Online dating guidelines – men only.

Pay attention men.  I’m about to give you an online dating manual.  It’s free.  It’s valuable. It could change your life.

1.Put up a photo. Check it really carefully and make sure that it is actually of you, because apparently it’s easy to make mistakes.

2. Do not describe yourself as a stud. Take the word sensual out of your profile. Carnal and lustful should probably go too.

3. Avoid copy and paste. I know how easy and tempting it is, but it’s a little obvious, barely amusing and extremely boring.

4. Don’t declare your undying love to your perfect match before you even know her name. I’d suggest a conversation first: Something like – “Hi there. You seem interesting. I’m Dave and I live in Sandton. Would you like to chat?”.

5. To the guy who says “I want to splash around with you like two birds in a bath”, just – no.

6. To the guy who says “You’re so sexy. What are you wearing?”, it’s mostly a yawn factor. There are porn sites for that.

7. Avoid using emoticons.

8. Unless you are a poet or a philosopher, don’t call yourself either. Be the carpenter, chemist or chiropractor that you really are. There’s nothing wrong with being a builder, or a baker. We girls like honesty.

9. Reminder: Keep your shirt on, and re-assess that photo.

10. Spell check. This is an easy one. At the top of your page, click tools, spelling and then grammar. It’ll even check your apostrophes for you.

11. Nobody, nobody, wants to see a picture of your dick. Yes, even yours – especially yours.

12. If you’re 60 and looking for a beautiful and athletic young woman (between the ages of 20 and 30), get real. Also, go fuck yourself.

13. This, dear men, is a tricky one. Remember: there is a difference between single and separated.  Single means you are most definitely on your own. Separated means you still have a wife or partner somewhere. There is a difference. While it may not be important to you, it is important to us.

14. And if you’re just looking for a quick lay, kindly refer to point number 6. Porn sites. There are plenty and some are even free. Make sure you hide the evidence from your wife.

There you are. I trust you read attentively and that you’re going to keep it real from now on. I’ll spank you if you don’t.

man

It’s Violet. V – I – O – L – E – T.

My dating profile very clearly says two things.

Please do not contact me if you do not have a photograph.

Please do not contact me if you cannot spell.

The photograph bit is clear. If you don’t have a photograph, it means one of two things:

1. You are an ugly fucker.

2. You have something to hide.

Generally, there is something to hide. Men on dating sites, without photographs, are most often married and looking for a bit of ‘please don’t tell my wife’ sex on the side. I have no time for these men, they are cowards and they should get their cheap thrills elsewhere.

But the bad spelling thing drives me completely nuts. I understand dyslexia and all that, but if you’re online, it means you have a computer. And there is something called spell check. My name is Violet. It’s quite easy to spell.

V.I.O.L.E.T.

Yet I receive mails every day:

Dear Vee

Dear Viola

Dear Violate

And even… Dear Violent!

The message is often followed by “I am convinced your the one for me, the luv of my…”

YOUR? Come on, Dear Dater, you surely mean ‘you’re’. Whatever happened to apostrophes? And LUV? What are we, twelve?

I recently decided to play along with one of the guys who called me Violent. His name was John but I chose to call him James. Violet – Violent. John – James. Same difference.

“Violent”, he typed. “I know your the girl for me. Are you wearing panties?”

Again, the apostrophe thing. And so much for foreplay.

“James honey”, I replied, “I was wearing panties. But what you’ve just said there, oh my, it is SUCH a turn on, I’m slipping them off immediately, I can’t wait, oh oh….”

“Good stuff Violent, I’m sending you a photograph of myself now, look how huge I am…”

I did became Violent.

“For gods sake John-James you schmuck; I’m really wearing flannel pajamas and sitting with a bowl of ice cream in front of the television watching Game of Thrones. What do you think, moron? I am not sitting here waiting for a picture of your dick!”

“Your such a bitch!” he typed.

APOSTROPHE, you idiot, apostrophe. I couldn’t help correcting his grammar before I deleted him. That’s why I changed my dating profile: Dear Dater I couldn’t help but crack my computer in half over my knee and throw it out the window. Please understand why my email responses are slow. Please contact me, but only if you can spell. And please, don’t forget the photo.

`Love, Violet V.I.OL.E.T.