Every Friday I have lunch with the same girlfriend. We’re outrageous. We order prawns and lobster, drink champagne, get mildly drunk, talk about everything from lunch boxes to anal sex, and then go home to nap.
We reconnect on the Monday to discuss our dire credit card statements and how we have to stop doing this. Until the following Friday.
Today was no different. We hugged hello, admired one another’s shoes and clothing and sat at our regular table. The special was Crab, and our waiter insisted we had it. ‘Spectacular’, he said.
Yum. He gave us the claw cracker things and tied the bibs around our necks. We were prepared to get fabulously filthy.
Juice spilled down our chins as we cracked our crabs, split open the legs and sucked the claws. Crab was flying everywhere, and we were giggling and laughing, sucking, sipping and moaning in delight,
But then, I noticed that I was the only one moaning about the crab.
Sarah was delirious over something else. With glazed eyes and juicy fingers, she was leaning back in the chair and typing on her phone, fingers at a crazy speed. Reading, texting, reading, texting. It was definitely not about our meal.
Beep: Her whatsapp.
Crack: My crab.
Oh: Her pulse.
I put down the pincers, wiped my hands, picked up my wine, and watched her. She’d dropped her nippers, her breathing had quickened, her face had flushed and there was a thin band of sweat on her brow.
My friend, my best girlfriend, was having phone sex. While I sat on the other side of the table, delicately drinking chardonnay, she was having sex.
And nothing was stopping her!
After a few minutes of this delicious display, she leaped to her feet and disappeared into the ladies. She returned a bit later, looking relieved and relaxed, grinned sheepishly, and got stuck back into the crab. So did I.
But then BEEP and the whole process started again. She must have had 10 orgasms before I finished sucking on the left leg.
I looked around. Wine glasses were crashing. Claws were flying. Everyone was laughing.
I have no idea if any of this was about the crab, but I do think I’m missing out. I decided to order a second one – just in case.