For the last few months I have felt sorry for Melania Trump. I’ve thought maybe her evil orange husband is abusive, maybe she’s a victim, maybe she’s stuck or trapped or held in chains and fears for her life. No more. That jacket. Why, why … Continue reading Why, Melania, why?
I just want to tell a story about my son who got lost yesterday while driving a little out of Johannesburg. His phone died and he had no clue where he was but he was helped by guys at the BP Garage, then the Shell … Continue reading A story about my Son, Shell, BP, Caltex and Engen.
Last night I was invited to a food tasting and did a terrible job at hiding my Food Imposter Syndrome. I love eating food but I don’t know much about describing it. Plus I cannot tell the difference between cumin and coriander, I find amuse-bouche … Continue reading Lucky Bean, Melville.
I left Zimbabwe when I was sixteen. Sixteen is a difficult age at the best of times and leaving behind everything that I knew was hard. I missed home and I missed my friends. I missed the Zambezi River. And even though it was just … Continue reading On Zimbabwe, home and belonging
This week I was beyond lucky to get to visit Jack’s Camp in the Makgadikgadi Pans, Botswana. I’ve always wanted to go to the Kalahari Desert and to this particular lodge so when the opportunity came up, I was like yes yes yes. Even though … Continue reading Jack’s Camp, Makgadikgadi
This morning I wrote ‘Trump is a cunt’ and it felt so good writing it. And then I said it out loud and it just rolled off my tongue, like it was the best thing to say, so smooth, so perfect, TRUMP IS A CUNT TRUMP IS A CUNT TRUMP IS A CUNT.
Then I got a bit tongue twisted and it became one of those word things like TRUMP IS A CUNT CUNT IS A TRUMP TRUMP IS A CUNT CUNT IS A TRUMP TRUMP IS A CUNT and now I just can’t get it out of my head and that’s my ear worm for the day and I’m kinda hoping it becomes yours too.
It feels good.
… … … … … … … … …
Of course when I googled a pic I realised millions have come before me in thinking, writing and saying it.
Trump is such a cunt.
We all know it to be true.
You know when you have a lightbulb moment, when you read something, spit out your coffee and suddenly go WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT, THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE READING ABOUT MYSELF!
Well, I just spat out my coffee as I read about Gaslighting.
And it made me wonder where I’ve been all this time.
How come I didn’t know what Gaslighting was?
How did I ever allow it to happen to me?
And also, that even though my experience happened a long time ago, the scars are still there.
The article took me back to a fairly long term relationship that I had. A not good one. And as I read, all the emotionally abusive things this guy used to say came flooding back to me. The things that made me feel bad. Things that I knew were not true. But that I somehow started believing and that I allowed to eat away at me, break me up, bit by bit.
Until there was not that much more to break.
You’re selfish, Violet. You make everything about you.
You can’t do anything on our own can you Violet.
And you’re not very bright are you, Violet. Silly. Silly Silly Violet.
He would say these things, I would get upset, he would take them back. And even when he took them back, I was the one left feeling guilty. Ashamed. And stupid. Like I had done something wrong.
He would then make up for his words by saying:-
But you know I’m kidding, Violet.
You’ve done so well, Violet, I’m really proud of you.
You’re gorgeous, bright, sexy, I’m so lucky to have you.
But the damage had already been done. I felt bad. And I felt like I was going mad.
Seeds of self doubt. Planted in me by a master manipulator.
Years later I can see just how manipulated I was. And I think, thank goodness I got out of that relationship. And got help.
Except that as I type I realise I am not totally over it or okay and my self esteem and confidence took a huge knock.
So when I read the article on Gaslighting alarm bells started ringing.
I remembered that I still had a lot of work to do, on me. And that my journey is far from over.
Also, that there are many women out there who suffer a similar type of emotional abuse.
And I wanted to say this:
Girlfriends. You are not crazy. You are not mad. You are most definitely not stupid.
Trust your feelings. Trust your emotions.
And get out. Now.
It is never too late.