‘So what are your favourite books, Violet?’ I didn’t even think before I gave an answer. ‘We Rate Dogs is number one, definitely’, I said, referring to the new coffee table book that came out a couple of weeks ago. He looked at me with … Continue reading On dogs, horoscopes and reading.
Social media brings out the worst in me. I mean, I love it, I love the connections of Facebook, I love the cleverness of Twitter and I dig the pics on Instagram. But I hate stupidity. And Social Media brings out the stupid. Yesterday I … Continue reading A little conflict over a little croissant
I have been incredibly calm for someone whose Macbook blew up a week ago. Just like that, a puff of smoke, a dark screen and a fried motherboard. Two weeks after the warrantee expired. I panicked in a quiet way which meant I was in … Continue reading Of Macs and Men
So I sat at my dining room table yesterday, chair in, back straight, legs crossed, phone in hand, and I sexted.
All very short. Easy writing.
Today I sat down to work on my book. Same book I’ve been working on for years. I used to write a few pages a day. Then, a page a day. That became a paragraph. Now, a couple of sentences.
These days I write short.
A few words and I’m done.
It’s the times we live in. It’s not that I don’t want to write lots anymore. I can’t. I am so distracted and I know it’s because of this digital age.
It’s the same as reading. I used to get through four books a month Now, if I get through one I think it’s fabulous and I tell everyone I know, hey hey, I read a book.
We have all become used to short.
And we’re all distracted. Apparently it’s something about our brains and dopamine and we see one thing but there’s something else to look at and our brains get excited and unfocused and let me just check my emails and look at twitter and one more tweet and oh let me see that article and that video and….
BUT IT’S OKAY!
I am not in a panic. It is what it is.
And I have decided that I don’t need to write books. Or stories. Or even blogs.
I can just stick to titles.
Here are some that I did today.
Other peoples shoes. Fashion.
This chocolate ice cream. A love story.
I want him, now. Erotica.
Get yourself that frock. Inspirational.
I dropped my last valium. Horror.
I got dressed for gym. Memoir.
I also want to climb the Trump Tower. Fitness.
The whisky bottle is empty. Disaster.
Much better. Easy to write, easy for you to read, everyone’s happy, go check Facebook, look at Instagram, and hey, look at that tweet, cool, thanks, see ya, oh man, is this my blog, where am I, what was I even writing…
This morning I lay in bed, sipped my coffee and scrolled through Facebook.
There was an aunty asking me how I was. Publicly, as aunties do.
I smile at those things.
Pretty good thanks Auntie B, appreciate you asking.
There was a good friend sending me a puppy pic, as good friends do.
I smile at those things too.
Ugh that is too cute man, thanks darling.
And an idiot that I went on a disastrous date with just once, posting a pic of us, on Facebook, public forum, for everyone to see, one year, ONE YEAR after the date.
I do not smile at those things.
‘Why the fuck would you put that picture up, you idiot. Seriously, why?’
What I remember about that night was it was so awful that I’d walked out after like an hour. Before that someone had been taking pics. I remember pretending to smile and look happy for the camera. I wasn’t happy, it was a fuck awful date, probably the worst I’ve ever had.
My blood boiled. I didn’t wait for him to reply, I just deleted the pic.
But I was really cross.
I’m still cross.
And in fact it was a really good pic of me, the lighting was fab and my eyes were shining and I loved my hair like that and think I’m gonna grow it back to that length, but – I just didn’t want any reminders of that awful evening. Or of him.
Am I overreacting, as I am known to do?
But I don’t care. Don’t put pics of me up on social media when I barely know you and jesus christ it was just horrible and he was drunk and disgusting and everyone at the party was awful and I was the only well dressed one and they all wore hand knitted jerseys with reindeers on them and crocs, god crocs, and I just want to erase that night out of my mind forever.
I’m not overreacting at all.
Today on Facebook I discovered that Mary had a cheese sandwich for lunch and Joe loves his wife so much he just couldn’t manage without her. Suzanne is in a new relationship with Douglas and Rosie’s dog chewed her iPhone.
I liked the cheese sandwich which already had fifty three likes, wished Suzanne a big congratulations even though it is her third relationship in three months, and gave a big shout out to the dog.
And then I updated my status.
Yo Jo’burg, it’s wet and rainy, time to impulsively buy a new pair of boots.
I got ten likes within two minutes.
I thought about ‘impulsively’ going to buy these new boots but instead watched a tutorial on how to apply liquid eyeliner and admired Talia’s holiday pics.
I have no idea who Talia is.
I stalked an old lover, stalked another old lover and thought about stalking a potential lover.
It took a lot of courage not to.
Instead I checked the cheese sandwich. It was up to a hundred and three likes. My boot post was still only on ten.
Ten, even though I hadn’t yet impulsively bought them.
Facebook makes me immobile. I get stuck. I find myself liking things I don’t like. I watch videos that are ridiculous. I tell the whole world about my boots. I waste an inordinate amount of time.
I forced myself to close my computer, leave the house and go to the shoe shop. I found the most fantastic pair of boots. I bought them. I photographed them. I put the photograph on Facebook.
And then, in a very strong moment, I deleted the pic. And I logged out. I deleted the Facebook app.
And I know it’s only the app on my phone and not on my computer. But it’s a start.
It’s time to show off my boots. In real life. They’re cool hey? Feel free to like them. Over here…
Pic lifted off the internet!
This morning I thought I would do a quick google search on how to set fire to a couch. I didn’t learn anything I hadn’t been taught by you guys (vodka, petrol, hire an arsonist) but man, I did pick up a whole bunch of other stuff.
I learned that the colour pink represents compassion, Revenge is a fabulous television series (I know because I watched three episodes), the Huffington Post gives great advice on the right kind of man to date and somehow I bought two dresses, a pair of shoes and a gorgeous leather bag from https://www.net-a-porter.com.
I watched YouTube clips on dogs and cats, laughed out loud at all the puppies, cried at the cat that got lost in Greece, donated money to a GoFundMe thing, found the perfect red lipstick with a nail polish to match and I very nearly booked an air ticket to India.
In fact, that tab is still open and before the end of day I may well have flights booked to Mumbai!
I have been sucked into an internet rabbit hole, a delicious vortex of stuff, and it is too fantastic.
I forgot about the German and his couch and mostly I laughed and I did not do any work and I read all of your blogs and I didn’t even think about revenge.
Also, I’m learning a ton of stuff. Apart from the toxic flames that come from burned furniture, I learned about new books, great women, unusual sex positions, how to make a damn good blueberry tart, the size of Donald Trump’s penis, music, food, anything and everything you can find on the internet.
And if ever you guys are contestants on Who Want to Be a Millionaire, I really could be your ‘phone a friend’.
In fact, I want to be your phone a friend. Because you readers are fabulous!
And I am so grateful for all of you.
That’s all. And now – well – see you soon – I have air tickets to book and maybe still matches to purchase.
You never know. I’d like to keep the German guessing…