I hate Black Friday it’s a rip off it’s a con it’s bullshit oh look a little black dress I am not going to buy that little black dress or those shoes I do not need those shoes hang on the dress oh ooh look … Continue reading Fuck you Black Friday
Today on Facebook I discovered that Mary had a cheese sandwich for lunch and Joe loves his wife so much he just couldn’t manage without her. Suzanne is in a new relationship with Douglas and Rosie’s dog chewed her iPhone.
I liked the cheese sandwich which already had fifty three likes, wished Suzanne a big congratulations even though it is her third relationship in three months, and gave a big shout out to the dog.
And then I updated my status.
Yo Jo’burg, it’s wet and rainy, time to impulsively buy a new pair of boots.
I got ten likes within two minutes.
I thought about ‘impulsively’ going to buy these new boots but instead watched a tutorial on how to apply liquid eyeliner and admired Talia’s holiday pics.
I have no idea who Talia is.
I stalked an old lover, stalked another old lover and thought about stalking a potential lover.
It took a lot of courage not to.
Instead I checked the cheese sandwich. It was up to a hundred and three likes. My boot post was still only on ten.
Ten, even though I hadn’t yet impulsively bought them.
Facebook makes me immobile. I get stuck. I find myself liking things I don’t like. I watch videos that are ridiculous. I tell the whole world about my boots. I waste an inordinate amount of time.
I forced myself to close my computer, leave the house and go to the shoe shop. I found the most fantastic pair of boots. I bought them. I photographed them. I put the photograph on Facebook.
And then, in a very strong moment, I deleted the pic. And I logged out. I deleted the Facebook app.
And I know it’s only the app on my phone and not on my computer. But it’s a start.
It’s time to show off my boots. In real life. They’re cool hey? Feel free to like them. Over here…
Pic lifted off the internet!
Is it just me or did you all think Cyber Monday was about online sex?
I had this idea that we could spend an indulgent day surfing the net, playing games, meeting new and exciting people, finding chat lines, having a little phone sex.
But no. Instead, dammit, it’s about shopping. Online shopping.
At great fabulous ‘oh my god I just have to buy that’ discount prices.
I have discovered a whole new world. A world of frocks, shoes, and necklaces, cookies and bacon, bowling pins, golf lessons, whisky, and perfume.
I’ve bought a leg of lamb, the new Estee Lauder Rouge, a gypsy skirt, Manolo Blahniks, a kitchen blender, antihistamines, a set of spatulas and an air ticket to India.
The dress may not fit, of course, but at least I know the perfume is delicious and sexy and I’ll smell good not wearing it.
I’m also a bit tipsy. I love that I can drink and shop at the same time. I’ve drunk champagne and it was my last bottle but I’ve ordered another dozen and they’re arriving tomorrow. Hopefully at the same time as the hundred-year-old cognac.
This is fabulous. Or not. It’s addictive and I can’t stop. Someone help me. I keep filling my trolley, it’s overflowing and I don’t need any of this stuff. I’m going to have to send everything back, and you know what – I hate Cyber bloody Monday.
As I hated Black Friday. And all of this consumerism bullshit.
It’s time to get back to basics. Live simply. Go barefoot. Get naked.
Have phone sex.
Every Sunday morning I wander up to my local deli and pick up a coffee. This Sunday I got waylaid.
There’s a magnificent new vintage store that’s opened and it’s impossible to walk past without going inside. Gorgeous clothing, sexy clothing, clothing that calls out your name.
The shop, The Stuff we Love, is small and sensual and the owners are fabulous. They welcome you, and everyone around you, and there’s an amazing camaraderie between women.
And because women are so lovely, we chat, we admire things and we help one another make choices.
Even when we’re not asked to.
‘Oh my, you look fantastic in that, you have to buy it…’
You always walk out feeling like you’ve made new friends. And with a parcel filled with beautiful clothing. And jewels. And lipstick.
This morning I picked up a pink and black satin negligee. Dolce and Gabbana. Beyond magnificent.
When I tried it on one of the other shoppers told me how she wished she could’ve bought it, she just wasn’t skinny enough.
Wow. She really made me think, because she was not only beautiful but she was thin. And so what if she wasn’t.
We need to get over these body image issues.
When I’d tried it on my first thought was – ‘Do I look thin in this?’
It’s such bullshit.
We need to stop obsessing over our weight. And what we look like. And what we wear.
The negligee is beautiful. It feels delicious against my skin. I feel really good in it. It makes me feel sexy.
And I’m very glad I bought it.
I’m wearing it right now. Pity I still haven’t picked up my latte.