Category: sex toys

One two three four, squeeze two three four

I recently joined a new exercise class. The instructor is fantastic, works us really hard and after each class I always say ‘God I’m never gonna walk again…’

It’s usually the only thing I say. I don’t talk much during the class because of the PAIN IN MY THIGHS, also I like to focus on my breathing, count the crunches, 12, 13, 14, 101, hey that’s 200, keep going, 201, sweet jesus this is hard work.

Other people are chatty. They talk about their kids, their work, their partners and their problems. I listen but I don’t join in.

Until the last class.

I moaned. Not my usual ‘Ow this is really hard’ but I kind of exhaled the ‘Ooooow oooooh this is really  hard.’

‘You make the pain sound sexy,’ said my instructor.

‘Well I am a sex writer, ‘ I replied. ‘I can make anything sound sexy.’

The class drew to a halt.

I had finally spoken in my exercise class.

And it was up to me to speak a little bit more.

I told them about my blog and the name of it and how sometimes I test sex toys and which are the best sex toys but the most brilliant thing – I kept on squeezing my gluteus maximus.

402, 403, 404…

Reader.  This is a breakthrough moment.

Not only have I finally spoken in my exercise class but I have the best butt in my exercise class.

Everyone else has rushed out to buy sex toys.

Now it’s just me.

And I don’t have to talk to anyone.

405, 406…




Man U and me.

This evening I wolfed down peri-peri chicken, lay on the couch, watched the soccer and drank an ice cold beer.

It was perfect.

And Man U won.

Then I washed my face, brushed my teeth, flossed, put on moisturiser and got into bed.

I reached into my bedside drawer to get my book and okay look maybe I can’t hold my beer but I just have to share with you, it is the perfect drawer.

There are two vibrators, a bit of pot, a couple of sleeping tablets, some old sparklers and a small bottle of airplane whisky.

There was no book.

But still.

I’m your DREAM GIRL.

Moisturised, minty-breathed, buzzed, not reading but then I can’t be perfect, wearing cosy pyjamas and very very sleepy.


Call me in the morning?

Maybe we’ll light the sparklers.