I left a book in an airport trolley a few days ago and as soon as I realised, felt totally devastated. I had about sixty pages to go, it was a wonderful book and I was completely and utterly engrossed. I immediately put out … Continue reading Meg Wolitzer wouldn’t mind
I recently joined a new exercise class. The instructor is fantastic, works us really hard and after each class I always say ‘God I’m never gonna walk again…’
It’s usually the only thing I say. I don’t talk much during the class because of the PAIN IN MY THIGHS, also I like to focus on my breathing, count the crunches, 12, 13, 14, 101, hey that’s 200, keep going, 201, sweet jesus this is hard work.
Other people are chatty. They talk about their kids, their work, their partners and their problems. I listen but I don’t join in.
Until the last class.
I moaned. Not my usual ‘Ow this is really hard’ but I kind of exhaled the ‘Ooooow oooooh this is really hard.’
‘You make the pain sound sexy,’ said my instructor.
‘Well I am a sex writer, ‘ I replied. ‘I can make anything sound sexy.’
The class drew to a halt.
I had finally spoken in my exercise class.
And it was up to me to speak a little bit more.
I told them about my blog and the name of it and how sometimes I test sex toys and which are the best sex toys but the most brilliant thing – I kept on squeezing my gluteus maximus.
402, 403, 404…
Reader. This is a breakthrough moment.
Not only have I finally spoken in my exercise class but I have the best butt in my exercise class.
Everyone else has rushed out to buy sex toys.
Now it’s just me.
And I don’t have to talk to anyone.
There’s a fabulous job being offered in the UK at the moment and it sounds totally pleasurable. The pay is 28 thousand pounds a month and all you gotta do is test sex toys. I want this job. I can do this job. I will … Continue reading I’ll do anything, except…
‘How come you’re not blogging anymore Violet?’ my difficult friend asked me. ‘Is it just for the winter or have you quit the blogging world?’ I had been thinking the very same thing. Why wasn’t I blogging? I thought very carefully before giving my answer … Continue reading And I’m back…
This evening I wolfed down peri-peri chicken, lay on the couch, watched the soccer and drank an ice cold beer.
It was perfect.
And Man U won.
Then I washed my face, brushed my teeth, flossed, put on moisturiser and got into bed.
I reached into my bedside drawer to get my book and okay look maybe I can’t hold my beer but I just have to share with you, it is the perfect drawer.
There are two vibrators, a bit of pot, a couple of sleeping tablets, some old sparklers and a small bottle of airplane whisky.
There was no book.
I’m your DREAM GIRL.
Moisturised, minty-breathed, buzzed, not reading but then I can’t be perfect, wearing cosy pyjamas and very very sleepy.
Call me in the morning?
Maybe we’ll light the sparklers.
There’s a fabulous dive bar in my hood and last time I went there with my girlfriends we got a little bit drunk, planned a trip to Bali and the next day we’d booked our air tickets and were already trying on bikinis. Last night … Continue reading Looking for a mechanic.
I’m lying on my bed with my Mac but my instructions are to never leave it lying on the covers or it may smother and overheat. The man at the store was very stern. ‘If you’re going to use it in bed, put a thick … Continue reading Charm me, Eat Me, Drink Me.