Category: Beauty

Balls

I just read about men getting Botox in their balls to iron out the wrinkles and dear sweet goddesses, my Monday is ruined. It’s called Scrotox and honestly what the fuck but balls have always been wrinkled and will always be wrinkled and Jesus Christ … Continue reading Balls

Flutter flutter

Yesterday I had eyelash extensions. I’d seen someone else with them, thought she looked amazing, got the details and made an appointment.

When the beautician was finished I looked in the mirror and went OH MY GOD. Then I went FUCK. Then OH MY GOD. Then FUCK.

‘You okay?’ she asked

‘Absolutely,’ I replied.

I paid her a small fortune and then my very long very thick very black sexy eyelashes and I headed to a coffee shop.

I wasn’t sure anyone would notice.

‘OH MY GOD,’ said the barista.

‘FUCK,’ said the waitress.

Ooooh.

‘Do you think they’re a bit much?’I asked.

Nope. No. Not at all. Everyone was in agreement. They’re amazing. Magnificent. Perfect.

Sexy.

I sipped my coffee and dished the beautician’s number out to all the women who asked.

And I dished mine out to all the men who asked.

Well, just one, but still.

These eyelashes are amazing. They are long, flirty, fun, glamorous and the thing is, they ooze sex appeal.

I love it.

They’ve made me walk with a swing in my step, a twinkle in my eye, I feel confident and beautiful and you know…

I’m calling my difficult friend.

These are fuck me eyelashes.

And I intend to make full use of them.

Wink wink.

sexy

Claudia is in Johannesburg. She does home visits. 082 456 3809.  It’s very fucking expensive but worth every penny!

Violet and The Calendar Girls

Once a week I go out with girlfriends. We choose bars that have great cocktails and a groovy atmosphere.

We talk over each other, we laugh, we usually drink too much, we have great fun and it’s  all about us, the world, life, love, eyelashes and whatever stuff has been going on.

We never look at the men.

So it was with great surprise when this morning I walked past last night’s bar and the owner stopped me.

‘You know,’ he said, ‘we were talking about you last night. You girls are fantastic, amazing, vibrant, beautiful. You’re just like The Calendar Girls.’

I loved the amazing vibrant bit.

BUT THE CALENDAR GIRLS!

The Calendar Girls were those brilliant women, those brilliant older women, who posed naked to raise funds, albeit with some very strategically placed teapots, cupcakes and violins.

I immediately messaged my girlfriends to tell them we are the new Calendar Girls.

We all found it hilarious, except for the older bit, but hey, we’ll just let that bit go.

We were also united in our thinking.

We’re never hanging out over tea, cake and pianos.

We have no interest in  being those kind of Calendar Girls.

We’re going to hang out in bars for as long as we can.  And we are very happy to pose naked over the bar stools.

Send us the money. We’ll do it immediately.

Just take note, we’re not covering anything!

calendar.jpg

The Calendar Girls, the movie.