There’s a fabulous job being offered in the UK at the moment and it sounds totally pleasurable. The pay is 28 thousand pounds a month and all you gotta do is test sex toys. I want this job. I can do this job. I will … Continue reading I’ll do anything, except…
I am not a religious person, but I think I may have finally achieved spiritual enlightenment.
My God has come in the form of a tool, an object, a toy. It’s purple, it’s smooth and it’s very, very stylish.
And unbelievably sexy.
It’s a little Je Joue G-Kii vibrator and I’m not sure anything has bought me such je joy before.
Apart of course from my children, the bottle of Veuve Clicquot La Grande Dame 2004 that I once downed in a bubble bath and the petit four I ate ten years ago in the most fantastic boulangerie in Paris.
I’ve never forgotten that petit four. And I shall never forget these orgasms. Mainly because I’m going to keep having them.
This toy does something that not many toys (or men) can do.
It gets the G-Spot and the clit at the same time.
At. The. Same. Time.
Girlfriends! Has this happened to you before?
It’s cleverly designed. Not only can you adjust the settings (1-5, 5 being a little too strong for me, 4 being perfect) but you can adjust the shape. It kind of happens organically.
You start off, as you do, slowly, with small round circles on your clit. And then, as you do, a little bit faster and a little bit faster and then magically and then somehow, I don’t know how, it bends and moves and enters and OH MY GOD, there you go, over and over and over. Organically.
It’s amazing and I recommend it, but there are some problems. Like you may never leave your bedroom again, you’ll always be breathless and your underwear will constantly need washing.
But it’s so worth it!
In the name of God, I order you – get to The Bedroom now. Or order one online. I promise you’ll thank me.
Tomorrow it’s Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and I’ve promised my family that I will make the chopped liver.
I have no idea why I offered. I’ve never made chopped liver or anything vaguely like it, and I just know it’s going to be a disaster. I am not great in the kitchen.
Especially with liver.
For some reason, the Jewish holidays make me anxious. By the time I manage to get my act together and think of everything that needs to be done, it’s too late. Grocery stores have run out of food and there are no ingredients left anywhere.
Yesterday I made a million phone calls to try and find some damn liver and finally I found a butcher who would deliver.
And when the doorbell rang I opened up feeling a mixture of relief and despair. Relief because I had it. Despair as I would have to start cooking.
The delivery man was not in fact the butcher. Instead, he turned out to be a guy from DHL, holding a very beautifully wrapped parcel.
I know these parcels.
They are from The Bedroom, a magnificent boudoir boutique that I frequent and that I very occasionally do sex-toy reviews for.
I knew what was going to be in the parcel. The new fabulous OH MY GOD Je Joue Kii vibrator; the one that everyone is raving about.
I’ve been dying to try it.
But now, as luck would have it, the butcher has also arrived and I have a kilo of liver to deal with.
I’m trying to make my way to the kitchen and I’m trying to take out the Magimix and I’m trying to find the other ingredients.
But I’m also unpacking this toy and it looks glorious and I’m taking off my clothes and I’m in a lot of trouble.
I don’t know how I’m going to tell my family, but I am fairly sure I’m going to arrive satisfied but empty handed tomorrow night.
It’s going to be as hard tell them I didn’t make the chopped liver as it is going to be to tell them I sometimes review sex toys.
Oh well. I can’t resist. I’m switching it on.
I wrote this to help my girlfriend. The one that was such a bad flirt:-
- Be friendly for fucks sake.
- Bare your teeth.
- Do not leave men bleeding to death on sidewalks.
- Use those big blue eyes to your advantage.
- Try hard not to roll them.
- Wiggling your nose is cute.
- But snorting and sneering are not.
- A bit of lipstick and a splash of perfume are both useful.
- So is a wonderbra.
- Try a nurse’s uniform.
- Whisper, don’t yell.
- Do not punch men, even when they catcall.
- Smile coquettishly when they do catcall.
- Count yourself lucky that they still catcall.
- Accept gifts if they are being offered.
- And do not yawn, even when the gift is on bloodstained paper.
I thought I should ask her what she figured was the best way to flirt. Her answer:-
- Get drunk, it’s the only way.
And maybe she’s right. The pathetic loser in the yellow t-shirt has been trying to call her.
I won’t be blogging today but I will be testing out sex toys!
So bear with me
While I gasp my way through the weekend
With lotions and potions
Waterproof bullets, kissing swans
The very fancy very pretty and very sexy
Fifi rabbit vibrator.
See ya next week…