‘Hi, I’m here for my 11 o clock appointment.’
‘Oh hi Violet, take a seat, your therapist will be with you in a minute, what kind of tea would you like, lemon bliss, soothing chamomile, passion fruit…’
‘Nothing thanks, I’m in quite a hurry. I’d just like to get waxed if you don’t mind.’
‘Sure, two minutes please.’
Two minutes later Swoozie came in.
This way Violet, here’s the room, you can undress, lie down, I’ll be back once you’re settled.
I took off my shoes and my pants and lay down.
It takes ten seconds to do that.
One minute. Two minutes.
With piped whale music in the background.
Three minutes. Four.
By the time my therapist came back, I was irritated. Mind you, this is not the first time I’ve got irritated. Every time I go for a wax, and IT’S JUST A WAX, it’s the same story. Soothing tea, soothing words, whale music…
I just want my legs to be hair free.
‘Hey,’ I asked her, which I probably shouldn’t have. ‘How long does it take most women to take off their pants? I mean, you just drop them and lie down. Why the delay? Also, what’s with the whale music…’
‘Women need about five minutes to undress,’ she told me. ‘And everyone loves the whale music.’
Oh come on.
‘I don’t think so,’ I said. ‘The music is irritating and awful and drives us all mad.’
She pursed her lips. And then did the first strip of wax.
And the next one. Yelp.
It was probably a mistake to ask her to do my bikini line as well.
I’m at home now and still completely irritated, also feeling a bit sticky. I’m going to put on some Bowie and run a bath.
I’m undressing. Thirty seconds, exactly, to take off my clothes.
And on my god haha this is awful, she’s left blobs of wax all over my legs and bikini and I swear to god she did it on purpose.
What a bitch.
Although I’m pretty sure right now she’s saying exactly the same thing about me.