Month: March 2018

A poem

I once said that working from home was 30 percent working and 70 percent checking the fridge I was wrong it’s ninety percent checking the fridge and ten percent online shopping. Oops, never been good at math.

One two three four, squeeze two three four

I recently joined a new exercise class. The instructor is fantastic, works us really hard and after each class I always say ‘God I’m never gonna walk again…’

It’s usually the only thing I say. I don’t talk much during the class because of the PAIN IN MY THIGHS, also I like to focus on my breathing, count the crunches, 12, 13, 14, 101, hey that’s 200, keep going, 201, sweet jesus this is hard work.

Other people are chatty. They talk about their kids, their work, their partners and their problems. I listen but I don’t join in.

Until the last class.

I moaned. Not my usual ‘Ow this is really hard’ but I kind of exhaled the ‘Ooooow oooooh this is really  hard.’

‘You make the pain sound sexy,’ said my instructor.

‘Well I am a sex writer, ‘ I replied. ‘I can make anything sound sexy.’

The class drew to a halt.

I had finally spoken in my exercise class.

And it was up to me to speak a little bit more.

I told them about my blog and the name of it and how sometimes I test sex toys and which are the best sex toys but the most brilliant thing – I kept on squeezing my gluteus maximus.

402, 403, 404…

Reader.  This is a breakthrough moment.

Not only have I finally spoken in my exercise class but I have the best butt in my exercise class.

Everyone else has rushed out to buy sex toys.

Now it’s just me.

And I don’t have to talk to anyone.

405, 406…