Confessions of a porn writer

‘Hey Violet, we’re looking for someone who can write short stories for XXX movies, around 1000 words per movie, are you interested?’

I immediately replied yes, sure, interested, thanks, send the work through. I love writing a little adult literature. I have fun writing it, it can be quite a turn on and there’s MONEY!

They sent me the brief.

Five movies.

And five pages of rules.

Seriously. The rules are so complicated that I have to study before I write a couple of paragraphs on men and women, or women and women, some men and men, having hot oh jesus fuck me now yes like that yes yes, more oh fuck yes god, excellent sex.

I am not allowed to use exclamation marks. How do you NOT use an exclamation mark when he pins her against the wall, yanks down her skirt, pulls out his cock, kisses her, he’s in her, deep, hard, harder, she cries out yes like that more oh I’m going to come yes again oh yes fuck hand in her hair on her tits oh god yes.

No exclamations.

No caps.

They’re at a dinner party, his hand on her thigh, higher, he reaches between her legs, playful, she’s not wearing underwear, she’s wet, dessert is being served, she can’t wait, her head is back, his fingers, his hands, would you like some ice-cream, plates crash off the table, she needs him now, he lifts her on the table, EVERYONE IS WATCHING…

No caps, no exclamations, even though the WAITER joined in.

Come on.

And then there are two pages, more rules, of words I am not allowed to use. Jesus is not good and neither is God. The F word is not okay and definitely no C word. But F Cup Bitch is fine, Honey Hot Whore is cool and Cutie Geisha Golden Wolf Hole is great.

Words for women can include honey, hottie, vixen, cutie, babe and barely legal too.

Barely legal? Uh, no.

Men on the other hand can be called Bear.

Bear. Oh Bear Bear, please, put your giant hands, your hairy hands, your…

I cannot write this porn.

It’s bullshit, sexist and anyway, I’ve written it here instead. For free. With exclamations and caps and fucks and more and god and jesus and yes, like that, oh oh, go in me, now, pass the ice-cream, my bear, you’re my gorgeous hot honey bear, this is so good, who needs to follow the rules.

It’s porn for goodness sake.

And pretty bad porn at that.

33 thoughts on “Confessions of a porn writer

  1. Haha, that was so awesome! The honey bear geisha part was totally unreal, as well as all those wonderful words having to be excluded except barely legal? One has to wonder there. Anyway, I have to admit, reading that part about the Exclamation Points reminded me of a Seinfeld episode from years ago, where Elaine broke up with a guy over an exclamation point, and she purposely splattered a bunch of them over a novel she was editing. Great post though! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You’re right. This also includes movie scenes where the sexual tension is shown without the sex. (what pops into my head is that Bruce Willis movie where two women are obviously attracted to each other, but can’t make the leap to being together….Colour of the Night…maybe)

        Like

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