The year is still 2017 and I have just a couple of days left before my marathon welcome to the New Year one two or three night stand.
Of course it’s been Christmas and there’s been lobster, champagne, wine, mince pies and more mince pies, gingerbread, cookies, custard, cream and all things decadently delicious.
And there have also been days in front of Netflix with a lot of chocolate and ice-cream and would this be a good time to shout out GODDAMMIT JESUS WHY SO MUCH FOOD.
I am feeling round.
Round. Chubby. And not very sexy.
Is sex better when you’re thin?
Yes. I think so.
It’s much nicer having sex when you’re feeling confident. It’s much nicer slipping out of that little black dress when you know your stomach looks flat and sexy, it’s much nicer when your thighs don’t slap together or even, oh god sob, stick together.
It is much sexier having sex when you’re thin.
Unless you don’t care of course, but I sadly do.
I have in fact been watching Shameless (again)and I think of Monica who is pretty round but super sexy and Sheila who has the hugest tits and is completely fuckable and they don’t care about body and image. They enjoy sex for what is it.
But that’s television.
This is real life.
And I know I should be okay with my two, maybe three oh shit what if it is four extra kilos.
But I am not. Which probably leads me to my own issues with body and body image but I’ll get into that next year.
HELP HELP HELP.
Should I quickly go on a fast but GODDAMMIT AGAIN JESUS CHRIST WHY DID YOU MAKE THE FOOD AROUND THIS TIME SO DELICIOUS.
Should I just suck in my stomach and hope for the best.
Or should I cancel my three night stand?
Some men like a bit of meat on their women . I’m feeling fat but what the heck go for it. Just think he’s probably put on weight too and is worrying about his man boobs 😂
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haha that’s enough to put me off sex full stop!!!
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Hehehe man boobs are the worse 😂 I don’t mind love handles or a little belly 😂
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the man boob bit…
laughing.
(and it’s true, these are my own ridiculous issues)
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AND OH GOD LOVE HANDLES, I don’t mind them on somebody else (she lied) but I do not like my OWN!!!
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I love guys with a bit of meat. They are like a comfy ride 😂 . No bones sticking out 😂
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Love your funny writing! Good stuff. And, while I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about (easier said than done, I know), low lighting works wonders in a pinch! 🙂
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what if he insists on having the light on!!!
and hey, thank you.
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U r funny!
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Guess who else will have partaken of the Xmas spirit!
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I really hope so.
*sucks in stomach*
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😉
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At least being vegan keeps off the surplus. People all over forget and give me animal junk foods at this time of year 🙂
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you deserve hemp shirts only
send me all the junk food!
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I would if I didn’t have a husband in the home.
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This is real life.
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It’s worse in your head than it is in real life, even under full fluorescent lighting! Go for it, no regrets, and ENJOY it. Anyone who’s thin at Christmas can’t be trusted anyway!
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thank you, I needed that!!!
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