I’ll do anything, except…

There’s a fabulous job being offered in the UK at the moment and it sounds totally pleasurable. The pay is 28 thousand pounds a month and all you gotta do is test sex toys.

I want this job. I can do this job. I will be fucking brilliant at this job.

Imagine not having to get out of bed in the morning.


Waking up, stretching, reaching over and then, what shall it be today, the rabbit, the bullet, the love honey g-slim g-spot g it’s fucking good which one shall I use next, ten out of ten, nine out of ten, right hand, left hand, in my panties, good ones to the right of me, bad ones to the left, here I come…

This could be fun.


I don’t want to do any strap on dildo stuff. If you’ve watched Sense8 on Netflix there’s an amazing scene between two women and sorry for the spoiler but they use a strap on and god and jesus and I am pretty naive but ja, I do not want to do the strap on stuff.

And I don’t do so well with butt plugs. I know about anal pleasure and I know it can be good but still.  I wore a butt plug once to a meeting with my bank manager and it did NOT END WELL. In fact, I don’t really want to use any anal toys, I quite like one small finger near my ass but just near it and not in it dammit and ja, maybe I can sub hire someone to do the anal testing.

Anyone keen?

I may have to do a lot of sub-hiring.

And I may also cheat.

They say the job includes trying everything and you know, add it to the list, I don’t like nipple clamps. I bruise easily and nipple bruises hurt.  I give nipple clamps five out of ten irrespective of the brand or the pleasure and don’t @ me nipple clamps, I am not a fan.

Cock rings? I guess they’ll have men testing these.

Love swings. Nah, I do not want to hurt my back.

Lotions and potions? I’ll only use them if they come from Dior.

I’m busy with my CV.  I’m kinda playing at the same time and oh god yes the Whooper Swan works, ten out of ten,  it’s good, I’m coming, jesus, again,  this is a hands on up to date live from Violet coming from my bedroom for the BBC sex toy review.

I deserve this job.  I’ll be good at this job.

I’ll take this job.

Even if I don’t get paid.



19 thoughts on “I’ll do anything, except…

  1. Personal taste, but that scene in Sense8 (I’ve only seen the first two episodes so far) had me reaching for my own sex toys. I thought it was incredibly well acted and very hot. I’m getting a little squirmy just thinking about it now.

    I couldn’t do this job though. I’m too shy when it comes to sharing any specific details about my own personal experiences without fictionalising. You should apply!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Well…it’s 2017, and not all jobs are being scarfed up by AI. UK/SA why does it have to take place in a particular geographical area? There is this thing called the Internet, it allows people to work remotely from all over. Maybe you suggest they open up a traveling sex toy critic position. You know…vibrators from around the world sort of thing?”


    Liked by 2 people

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