Yesterday I used the word ‘cuntish’ on Facebook and for the first time in years my feminist friends didn’t leap down my throat. Instead, they rolled their Facebook eyes, smiled and said ‘Ugh, you’re never gonna learn’ and carried on discussing the latest South African scandal.
They’ve stopped getting offended by the small stuff because there’s so much enormous stuff to get offended by. Rape, murder, corruption, Zuma, the Guptas, thieves, liars, the list of real offenders is long.
So later in the day I was quite surprised when the difficult guy took offence at something I did.
He’d given me a box of chocolates.
‘Thank you so much’, I said, tearing off the paper and diving into the box with a mixture of greed and delight.
I do love chocolate, it’s romantic and sexy and like some men, irresistible.
I bit into the heart-shaped one with a strawberry filling, licking my lips all provocative like.
Oh my god DISGUSTING.
It was the worst chocolate I’d ever tasted.
I kind of mumbled because I have these ridiculously good manners and didn’t want to offend him but when I got home I took the box and gave it to one of the paper recyclers in my hood.
Our paper recyclers are always hungry.
‘Try these,’ I said. ‘I’m sure you’re hungry.’
The recycler spat out his chocolate too.
‘Thanks but no thanks,’ he told me. ‘Worst thing I’ve ever eaten.’
That says quite a lot.
Later in the day the difficult guy sent me a message. ‘Hey. Enjoying the chocolates?’
‘Oh god no,’ I typed. ‘Can’t lie, they’re awful. I left them for the homeless guys and they gave them back to me. Pretty bad.’
A bit of silence and then…
‘Who did you give the other gift to?’
He’d also given me a lovely bath oil.
‘I’ll try that tonight,’ I said. ‘If it’s bad, at least Friday’s garbage day.’
More silence. And then he signed off, without a goodbye.
I could tell he was angry.
I thought I was quite funny.
He found me offensive.
I’m still giggling and he is still glowering.
But for fucks sake.
The chocolates were really bad. And come on, let’s get offended by the real stuff.
Our terrible appalling cuntish heinous vile disgusting lying politician thieves.
And dear sweet goddesses, this oil. I’m running a bath and about to use it.
Oh please please let me love it, let it be the best oil in the world, let it be perfect, delicious, divine, fabulous and holy.
I would hate to be offensive. Again.