I’m sorry I offended you.

Yesterday I used the word ‘cuntish’ on Facebook and for the first time in years my feminist friends didn’t leap down my throat. Instead, they rolled their Facebook eyes, smiled and said ‘Ugh, you’re never gonna learn’ and carried on discussing the latest South African scandal.

They’ve stopped getting offended by the small stuff because there’s so much enormous stuff to get offended by.  Rape, murder, corruption, Zuma, the Guptas, thieves, liars, the list of real offenders is long.

So later in the day I was quite surprised when the difficult guy took offence at something I did.

He’d given me a box of chocolates.

‘Thank you so much’, I said, tearing off the paper and diving into the box with a mixture of greed and delight.

I do love chocolate, it’s romantic and sexy and like some men, irresistible.

I bit into the heart-shaped one with a strawberry filling, licking my lips all provocative like.


It was the worst chocolate I’d ever tasted.

I kind of mumbled because I have these ridiculously good manners and didn’t want to offend him but when I got home I took the box and gave it to one of the paper recyclers in my hood.

Our paper recyclers are always hungry.

‘Try these,’ I said. ‘I’m sure you’re hungry.’

The recycler spat out his chocolate too.

‘Thanks but no thanks,’ he told me. ‘Worst thing I’ve ever eaten.’

That says quite a lot.

Later in the day the difficult guy sent me a message. ‘Hey. Enjoying the chocolates?’

‘Oh god no,’ I typed. ‘Can’t lie, they’re awful. I left them for the homeless guys and they gave them back to me. Pretty bad.’

A bit of silence and then…

‘Who did you give the other gift to?’

He’d also given me a lovely bath oil.

‘I’ll try that tonight,’ I said. ‘If it’s bad, at least Friday’s garbage day.’

More silence. And then he signed off, without a goodbye.

I could tell he was angry.

I thought I was quite funny.

He found me offensive.

I’m still giggling and he is still glowering.

But for fucks sake.

The chocolates were really bad. And come on, let’s get offended by the real stuff.

Our terrible appalling cuntish heinous vile disgusting lying politician thieves.

And dear sweet goddesses, this oil.  I’m running a bath and about to use it.

Oh please please let me love it, let it be the best oil in the world, let it be perfect, delicious, divine, fabulous and holy.

I would hate to be offensive.  Again.




20 thoughts on “I’m sorry I offended you.

  1. This is hilarious! Can totally relate to these types of situations as well. I believe most would be surprised how something as simple as a bottle of menthol oil can solve any issue. Dangerous but fun.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Best to get him a few bottles, because he’ll be using it all on you. If he doesn’t then it’s ok to shoot him.


  2. That made me laugh – I have never in my life been honest about a bad gift. I grew up with a mother who never ever EVER in her entire life just showed simple gratitude for a gift. Every single gift I ever gave her was met with a thin smile and then some put down under the guise of “being honest.” There is only one gift I can remember her actually using and that’s because she wasn’t able to return it. It leaves such a sour taste in your mouth when you go to the effort of picking a present only to have that person “be honest” about it in a way that makes you want to punch them square in the face. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve thought “JESUS CHRIST WOULD IT KILL YOU TO JUST SAY THANK YOU AND TOSS IT WHEN I’M NOT AROUND? BEING A DICK ABOUT IT IS NOT MANDATORY.”

    …Which has led to me always, always saying thank you and then tossing it when the person isn’t around (if the present is heinous).

    Of course, this is only the case because of repeated present smackdowns (at least twice a year), and some chocolates really are just that disgusting. As long as you’re not smacking down his every gift idea, I think you can get away with it being a tease!

    Liked by 2 people

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