Tales of a Not so Serial Squirter

I just read about the Toronto International Porn Festival and a light bulb thing went off in my head. Yes, I thought, this what we need in South Africa. I immediately picked up my phone and texted a friend who’s a movie producer.

‘Hey. Why don’t we have a porn festival?’

I thought he would come back immediately, all excited at my brainwave porn idea.

Not really. It took him all day to reply and then he texted back without a single emoji.

‘What would be the point? You can watch porn any day or night, anytime, 24/7.’

Hmmm. I thought. Okay. It was 3 pm. Friday afternoon. Why not? I took off my underwear, lay on the bed, opened my Macbook and googled porn.

I found garbage. Boring, no story line, faked orgasms, always perfect bodies, never a hair in sight, never messy, the girl always comes like again and again and again oh my and it’s mostly just bullshit.

The lesbian porn I found was a bit of a turn on and I kinda started feeling it but then, oh come on, both women squirted simultaneously and what the fuck nonsense is that.

I don’t know anyone who has ever squirted. I’ve never squirted. I’d never even heard of squirting till about two years ago. I’m pretty sure it’s staged for men’s egos. I did find a Youtube Squirting Tutorial but you have to put a plastic sheet on the mattress and I don’t buy this, any of this, not one little bit.

Anyway. Talking from a woman’s point of view, the porn I find online is not good. And yet I know there is good porn out there. Which is why we need a Porn festival. The Toronto Porn Festival sounded amazing, with erotica, kink, BDSM, trans stuff, good sexy stuff, all things sexy – but in an honest, well made, genuine way. With story lines! And good lighting. And great actors. Tackling important subjects, in an important but sexy way.

We need good porn. Not because I’m horny although goddammit it’s now 3 pm on a Sunday afternoon and I’m still struggling, but because bad porn is dangerous. Bad porn gives out bad messages. Bad porn makes young women think they need to be hair free, have multiple orgasms and dear god they’re in trouble if they don’t squirt. Bad porn makes young men think they have to perform in a certain way. Bad porn is bad, and it’s pretty much all we find online.

So. Back to that festival. Which by the way should be cool to attend, for all genders and adult ages, without shame.

Who wants to go into business with me?

Porn is important. It’s sexy.  It’s totally normal to watch and everyone does at some point in their lives but goddammit, we need the good stuff.  The great stuff.

Find me great porn.  Start a festival with me.

But forget the fucking squirting.  Or message me if I’m wrong.


21 thoughts on “Tales of a Not so Serial Squirter

  1. On the lighter side, a movie called “Sex Sells” is a hilarious take on the porn industry! I highly recommend a viewing. As for squirting, I had never heard of it either until a few years ago and I truly think that it is just peeing when having a powerful orgasm…?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Porn has the connotation that it is violent and degrading. So, perhaps you can have a sex-oriented movie festival if you use another word that could mean it’s more substantive than the bad porn you see on youtube. Call it SexStorm festival or along the lines of the theme being sex. Sex is direct and more neutral sounding than porn. Or Sex and More Movie Festival so it doesn’t sound so rough and can be all encompassing — includes straight and gay sex, etc.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think squirting is less possible the more people watch badly made porn showing women just drop trow and gush at the sight of each other. I hate bad porn. Its so common to see people slapping bare pussies. That is not erotic. That doesn’t stimulate. It just reminds them of the wax they so recently underwent. At the most. I have a friend who is a very infrequent but still successful female ejaculator. She says it feels like you are going to orgasm but also furiously need to ‘let go’ and when you allow it to happen at the same time you gush. I can relate to the pent up feeling. Maybe I haven’t opened the tap properly. Can’t imagine wanting to deal with the clean up…. But porn in general is so instant and cheap and unfortunate I feel like its ruining so much possibility for women to actually get there with partners because everyone is watching this drivel. False expectations and annoyance.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My wife has been a squirter since the day I met her 30 years ago. Not every time she orgasms in that manner but most but most of the time. Saying it is “yuck” is like saying a man’s ejaculate is ” yuck “. I love it when she shows me how good a lover I am!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Have you seen the Netflix series by Rashida Jones, “Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On”? Not sure if it’s available in your market, but I think you would burn right through it. There are things said and done on it that stick in my mind, including a male director saying, “If it’s painful or uncomfortable to do, it looks great on camera!” (Said to a young female performer.) Also, there was an episode with a male performer who talks about how he loves being a sensual lover in real life, and he’s being directed to be violent in the clip that he’s making, and it’s obvious he’s incredibly uncomfortable being that way. It’s painful to watch him. Also: In the very first episode, there is a female porn producer whose site I have signed up for that I think you would QUITE enjoy – Erika Lust (my link is for the U.S.) https://store.erikalust.com/en/156-erika-lust. She focuses on quality films, female-friendly, and people write in their ideas and she makes the films. Her films are pay-per-view but with all the trash out there, I think that wouldn’t be so bad…

    Liked by 1 person

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