Today I had a very long and lovely but painfully slow interaction with a man.

‘Hey…Violet… I…met… you… at… the… dog… park… thought… we… could… follow… up… with… a… coffee?’

‘Hiya, nice to hear from you, yes that sounds great.’


I was kinda doing a million things at once, work and writing and baking and texting and I know I’m a good multi-tasker but I also drank two whiskeys, had a bath, masturbated and considered having a cigarette while I waited for his texts.


It was just too slow.

And strike me down dead because I know it makes me a terrible person if I don’t want to date a man who types slowly, but for fucks sake it is 2016 and get real guys, work on your skills.

I have decided to change my bio.


Types at least 100 words a minute.
Never makes a mistake.
Texts quicker than you can ever imagine.

Apparently impatient.

Seeks similar male.

Call me.




29 thoughts on “Speed

  1. Gah! I hate slow typists as well. I was helping a guy at work on Friday and he typed soooooo slowly I almost killed him. And using the mouse? Don’t even get me started. There. No there. Right where your mouse is pointed. Well now you’ve move the damn thing. Click right there in the upper left corner in the line that says click here in giant red fucking letters.


  2. Typing on a keyboard I’m as fast as anyone and makes little mistakes (unless you’re watching over my shoulder and if you are wtf are you doing standing there go away!). If I do make a mistake I fix it extremely quickly. Only thing worse than a slow typer is one who makes constant mistakes.

    Do you ever find yourself predicting what they’ll say and answering it for them before they say it to avoid the response? Ugh. Yes, slow typers are the worst.

    Liked by 1 person

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