This morning I woke up feeling uneasy and a little bit tearful. I had a very strong sense of my mom, who died just over two years ago.
It felt kinda weird.
When my mother died, she was ready. She’d been ill for a long time and her death had come as a relief. We also hadn’t had the best relationship.
I’m not sure I ever mourned properly.
Yet over the last few months I’ve had feelings. I see a lipstick colour and think how much my mother would’ve loved that particular pink.
Or I eat something and can almost hear her saying ‘Oh god how absolutely delicious is this.’
The same lipstick colour I love. The same words I would use.
I am more like my mother than I ever want to let on.
I suddenly miss her. Not all the time but at the most unexpected moments.
I didn’t miss her for the first two years. Maybe I was getting used to her death. Maybe I was in denial.
Maybe I was still holding on to anger that I should’ve let go of a long time ago. Anger that if I look at it today, I directed at her, probably unfairly.
I have learned that grief comes slowly. It can happen out of the blue.
And when it comes, it throws you.
I splashed water over my face, made myself some coffee and opened my computer.
And there was a picture of my mom, my beautiful mother, under ‘Memories’.
And also, perfect.
I took a deep breath in.
Hi Mom, I said.
Her eyes twinkled in the photograph.
But then, they always twinkled.
I love you, I said. I miss you.
And then I cried a little bit more, closed my computer and went to the shops.
To get something delicious to eat. And to buy the lipstick.
As she would’ve wanted me to do.