Because I’m too cold to have sex, and also apparently lazy, I’m spending a lot of time under a blanket with a fabulous pile of books.
My laptop’s next to me too, so when a blog on Sex Positions popped into my inbox I immediately put my book down and paid serious attention.
Thirty eight positions, I read. Quite impressive. I wondered how many of them I knew. Or had maybe tried.
The first four were pretty cool and actually, no surprises here. Missionary, doggy style, etc.
Then I got to number five.
First sentence. Face sitting can be very hot.
Yip, I thought immediately. Hot. Sweaty. Like, his crotch in your face and you can’t breathe and you’re already so damn hot and now you’re going to get even hotter and dammit it’s boiling in here and pass the water, fan me, it’s a heatwave, a drought, oh god a heart attack, I’m dying…
Of course as I read on I realised they didn’t mean hot on fire hot. They meant sexy hot, oh my gosh hot, this is so damn good hot, oh yes shove your crotch even deeper please now oh more more god so hot hot I’m coming.
I never got to number six. Sadly I knew these positions were not for me.
I closed my laptop and went back to my book.
A sweet romantic love story. Much safer. Much cooler.
Much easier to cope with.
N.B. Number three also had me like fuck no. And – I glanced at number eighteen. What, how, where is her body?