Are you feeling expansive, Miss V?
There was no name from the texter, he just presumed I would know who it was.
And by the very use of his vocabulary, I did.
My heart started beating a little faster and I really did not want it to. I placed my hand over it, closed my eyes and willed it to slow down.
Six, five, four three…
I did not want to react to him.
I did not want to feel.
Even so, once I was breathing at not two thousand beats a minutes, I texted back.
I have never felt expansive. I am not in a good mood. And my name is not V.
He immediately got all charming and witty and invited me for dinner.
I immediately refused, not asking him about the other woman he had possibly wanted to settle down with. The one who clearly hadn’t worked out because it is a pattern with him. Alone, beautiful woman, alone, let me try another one, alone, let me go back to that one, no, maybe I want to be alone, oh look, another beautiful woman.
And I know, I knew, all that. It was why when we were done, we were done.
Yet my heart was still beating dangerously quickly.
I tucked my phone somewhere deep where I’d never find it again and went for a walk. Put some distance between me and him.
My reaction had astonished me. I’d thought I was totally completely over him.
And I wanted to feel nothing.
Or I wanted to be able to laugh and say god you’re an arrogant jerk and bye bye see you in another lifetime.
Block him off my phone forever.
But I knew I couldn’t do that.
Because even after all this time, I felt something.
I still feel something.
And I cannot help myself.
It’s hard to explain.
Feelings. Passion. Old hurt.
They all mix together. They’re always there.