I’ve had a super productive weekend where I’ve binge watched House of Cards, read my horoscope and taken three Buzzfeed quizzes.
How much of a pizza lover are you?
Can you spot the ripe avocado?
Is this a sex toy or a dog toy?
I love pizza, got flying colours on the avocado, but failed dismally on the sex toys.
Impossible, I thought. This is my area of expertise.
A quiz that was meant to be funny had me unimpressed.
I did the test again. Failed. I found another sex toy dog toy one. Failed.
Four out of ten, goddammit.
First of all, how many stupid sex toy dog toy quizzes are there?
Why do so many sex toys look like dog toys?
And why do I care?
My horoscope told me why. Everything is going to be very slow, it said. Mars is retrograde. You will waste a lot of time. Feel sensitive. Have anger. Mix ups. Confusion.
How much confusion?
Like, could I have used the dog toy instead of the sex toy?
It didn’t tell me what to do.
Should I find another horoscope? Do another quiz? Test an avocado? Or eat pizza?
Or maybe even get off the couch and do something?
I think I’ll leave the couch. Stop with this, wait oh wait, I’ve found one, oooh, the perfect quiz.
Are you snoozing or losing?
Hang on, I’m coming, give me a minute. Let me just give the dog his toy.
And now, question one.