Last night while having dinner with my girlfriends someone came over and put a few female condoms on our table. It was a promotional thing, accompanied by a pamphlet that just said – USE THE FEMALE CONDOM.
We girls always obey instructions. It was time for us to investigate the female condom.
We sliced open our bags with great glee. I think we all expected tons of goodies to come spilling out. Maybe with the condom we’d get lube, feathers, a candle, scented soap, perfume, maybe even a pair of handcuffs.
That’s what I would do if I was in charge of the promotion.
Out of each bag fell just one huge HUGE really ugly really HUGE female condom.
What the fuck are women meant to do with these things?
We waved them around distastefully.
They’re bulky, ugly, clearly made for men that have six foot long penises, feel awful, smell awful, squeak, look awkward, did I mention they are NOT PRETTY, and what do you even do with them?
We’re all mostly adept at male condoms. Most women of a certain age are. Open the little packet, place it on top of the penis, roll it down, feel the tight fit, have delicious sex, let the man remove it which takes a second, fall asleep, the end.
But THIS. I am still shaking my head.
I’ve never had an issue with a male condom. Except for the guy who once tore the small packet open with his teeth and his false tooth fell out and that was kind of a disaster.
Apart from that (yeah, really) male condoms are small, smell good, come in all flavours, can be ribbed – I like these ones – and are very fucking easy to use.
We called the guy over who was running the promotion.
Come on, we said. You cannot expect women to use these things. Surely somebody is working on a different design, something easy, something simple, something maybe sexy.
He looked at us like we were mad.
They are free, you know.
You can have them all back, we said, dangling them in front of his nose. They’re useless.
At that moment the lights went out.
OH DEAR GOD.
There was some momentary panic. A power failure. A robbery. What was going on.
Whatever it was, it didn’t matter.
The female condoms were glow in the dark.
GLOW IN THE DARK!
Fine, we said. We’ll keep them.
In South Africa one can never have too many flashlights.