I’ve put champagne on ice, stocked up on snacks, have a gorgeous frock ready and waiting, new lipstick, perfume, a really pretty necklace and am super excited for the Oscars tonight.
I don’t have shoes but that’s okay, I’m going to curl up on the couch, sip my drink, wait for the show and pray, pray, pray, for poor Leo to win.
He has to. Because The Revenant must have been pure agony to act in. It’s this epic adventure in which Leo gets mauled by a bear, washed down icy cold rapids, ambushed, thrown over cliffs, buried alive, stuck inside a horse, stabbed, shot, scalped, squashed, bowed and arrowed at, buried alive, betrayed, beheaded and really, just befucked.
I found the movie excruciating to watch and can only hope that DiCaprio got paid billions to make it. He spends months crawling in the snow, covered in blood, eating dirt, desperate, drowning and dying and at one point I found myself shouting out loud to please god JUST LET HIM DIE, let this agony end.
It was like porn, but gore porn. And I was surprised because The Revenant’s had rave reviews. The cinematography is extraordinary, the setting, the camerawork and I guess Leo himself, are all pretty astonishing. But it’s kinda hard to understand the accents, at least half an hour too long, and oh well, there is a lot of blood and tons of dead people.
I like Leo. He was brilliant in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Wolf of Wall Street and apart from being super gorgeous, he’s a good actor. I’m not sure he deserves an Oscar for this performance though, it’s more like an olympic cross country marathon in suffering.
Except, I would hate for him to have gone through absolute hell for nothing. So, please, White Oscar Academy, give him the prize, just to make sure he never has to do anything so painful again.
Give him a decent meal. Clean up the blood. Run him a bath. Let him relax a little.
Maybe he can come curl up on the couch next to me and share my champagne.
Maybe he could even buy me shoes.
N.B. I may have exaggerated about the beheaded bit. And see it, if you have a strong stomach . I do not!