I do not like men who boast, who are aggressive, who have food in their beards, get into fights, treat women badly, have sweaty handshakes, miss the toilet seat, leave pubic hair everywhere, forget to use deodorant and kiss badly.
I do not like men who promise to call but don’t.
And I do not like men who tell lies.
The guy with the pink couch is none of the above. He doesn’t have a beard, he’s always immaculately clean, kind and super bright, and he has never lied to me.
In fact he has been blatantly honest.
‘I sometimes disappear for days, Violet. Sometimes for weeks. It is not about you, you need to know that.’
I said okay, that it kinda suited me, sure I get it, no problem, I’m a big girl, anything goes, no problem.
But now he has disappeared.
And even though I had said okay and even though I knew it was going to happen and even though I expected it to happen, I still dislike it.
And I mostly dislike myself for repeating patterns.
All the bloody time.
The pattern of falling back into the pattern of a yes / no / sometimes relationship. I have to remember it does not work for me. I am too soft. I am too sensitive.
And even if he says it is not about me, of course I think it is about me.
I deserve better. And I have to remember that. It’s the age old adage of learning to love yourself and I am not fucking sure how to do that and sometimes I think I do, but honestly, I don’t even know what that means.
But I am going to try.
So watch out gentlemen.
The next man I’m with gets to marry me.
There will be a wedding with a beautiful dress and flowers and cake and friends and love.
And I am the only one who gets to disappear.