Is it just me or did you all think Cyber Monday was about online sex?
I had this idea that we could spend an indulgent day surfing the net, playing games, meeting new and exciting people, finding chat lines, having a little phone sex.
But no. Instead, dammit, it’s about shopping. Online shopping.
At great fabulous ‘oh my god I just have to buy that’ discount prices.
I have discovered a whole new world. A world of frocks, shoes, and necklaces, cookies and bacon, bowling pins, golf lessons, whisky, and perfume.
I’ve bought a leg of lamb, the new Estee Lauder Rouge, a gypsy skirt, Manolo Blahniks, a kitchen blender, antihistamines, a set of spatulas and an air ticket to India.
The dress may not fit, of course, but at least I know the perfume is delicious and sexy and I’ll smell good not wearing it.
I’m also a bit tipsy. I love that I can drink and shop at the same time. I’ve drunk champagne and it was my last bottle but I’ve ordered another dozen and they’re arriving tomorrow. Hopefully at the same time as the hundred-year-old cognac.
This is fabulous. Or not. It’s addictive and I can’t stop. Someone help me. I keep filling my trolley, it’s overflowing and I don’t need any of this stuff. I’m going to have to send everything back, and you know what – I hate Cyber bloody Monday.
As I hated Black Friday. And all of this consumerism bullshit.
It’s time to get back to basics. Live simply. Go barefoot. Get naked.
Have phone sex.