‘What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen?’ I asked my girlfriends as I downloaded Tinder on my phone.
They all rolled around laughing so much that I got pissed off.
‘You will start to hate men, Violet. Do not, we repeat, do not do it.’
I ignored them as usual and downloaded the app.
Andy, Robert, Jon, Kevin and someone called Bulldog all looked fantastic. Rich had amazing muscles and Rambo had class drinking skill. Sipho in his cutaway shirt was hot, and Jesus with his tattoos drop dead gorgeous.
Nice, but I carried on swiping, looking for a teeny bit of substance. I found it.
Clyde liked eating pussy.
Wayne could cook but his speciality dish was not food.
And Mpho’s hobby was anal.
Suddenly BB’s pic popped up on my screen and I got all excited and swiped right.
‘Jesus Christ Violet.’ His response was immediate. ‘I’ve been trying to get you to like me for years. ‘
‘Sorry babe,’ I typed. ‘Just trying to figure out how this thing works.’
He deleted me. BB deleted me!
No problem, Tinder allows you to move on swiftly. I found Steve. He had an interesting profile even though his pic was him kissing a fish. I thought I would risk a hello.
What I didn’t know was that I sent the ‘hello’ 47 times and super-liked him even though I don’t even know what that means.
He reported me for stalking.
As if I would stalk a guy kissing a fish.
I swiped right (or is it left?) on a good friend’s boyfriend and only afterwards did I realise it was him and OH MY GOD WHAT WAS HE DOING THERE ANYWAY. I’m gonna have to talk to her.
And then it just got worse. I was matched with Yossi, Raffi and Eitan, three Israelis but each of them was looking for a single, slim polite white woman and I realised Yossi, Raffi and Eitan were, in fact, all the same 103-year-old fat and sweaty disgusting wanker.
I could carry on. In fact, I am going to.
But not right now.
Instead, I’m switching off my phone and pulling up the covers.
I do my best thinking in bed.
Maybe I’ll even have some fun in there.