Guide to flirting

I wrote this to help my girlfriend. The one that was such a bad flirt:-

  • Be friendly for fucks sake.
  • Bare your teeth.
  • Do not leave men bleeding to death on sidewalks.
  • Use those big blue eyes to your advantage.
  • Try hard not to roll them.
  • Wiggling your nose is cute.
  • But snorting and sneering are not.
  • A bit of lipstick and a splash of perfume are both useful.
  • So is a wonderbra.
  • Try a nurse’s uniform.
  • Whisper, don’t yell.
  • Do not punch men, even when they catcall.
  • Smile coquettishly when they do catcall.
  • Count yourself lucky that they still catcall.
  • Accept gifts if they are being offered.
  • And do not yawn, even when the gift is on bloodstained paper.

I thought I should ask her what she figured was the best way to flirt. Her answer:-

  • Get drunk, it’s the only way.

And maybe she’s right.  The pathetic loser in the yellow t-shirt has been trying to call her.

Not me!


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