My dating profile very clearly says two things.
Please do not contact me if you do not have a photograph.
Please do not contact me if you cannot spell.
The photograph bit is clear. If you don’t have a photograph, it means one of two things:
1. You are an ugly fucker.
2. You have something to hide.
Generally, there is something to hide. Men on dating sites, without photographs, are most often married and looking for a bit of ‘please don’t tell my wife’ sex on the side. I have no time for these men, they are cowards and they should get their cheap thrills elsewhere.
But the bad spelling thing drives me completely nuts. I understand dyslexia and all that, but if you’re online, it means you have a computer. And there is something called spell check. My name is Violet. It’s quite easy to spell.
Yet I receive mails every day:
And even… Dear Violent!
The message is often followed by “I am convinced your the one for me, the luv of my…”
YOUR? Come on, Dear Dater, you surely mean ‘you’re’. Whatever happened to apostrophes? And LUV? What are we, twelve?
I recently decided to play along with one of the guys who called me Violent. His name was John but I chose to call him James. Violet – Violent. John – James. Same difference.
“Violent”, he typed. “I know your the girl for me. Are you wearing panties?”
Again, the apostrophe thing. And so much for foreplay.
“James honey”, I replied, “I was wearing panties. But what you’ve just said there, oh my, it is SUCH a turn on, I’m slipping them off immediately, I can’t wait, oh oh….”
“Good stuff Violent, I’m sending you a photograph of myself now, look how huge I am…”
I did became Violent.
“For gods sake John-James you schmuck; I’m really wearing flannel pajamas and sitting with a bowl of ice cream in front of the television watching Game of Thrones. What do you think, moron? I am not sitting here waiting for a picture of your dick!”
“Your such a bitch!” he typed.
APOSTROPHE, you idiot, apostrophe. I couldn’t help correcting his grammar before I deleted him. That’s why I changed my dating profile: Dear Dater I couldn’t help but crack my computer in half over my knee and throw it out the window. Please understand why my email responses are slow. Please contact me, but only if you can spell. And please, don’t forget the photo.
`Love, Violet V.I.OL.E.T.