My husband had moved out, my dating life was a disaster, I had no money, and as all newly single people do, I began to drink. I had never been a big drinker before, but I started having a whisky (or two) every night. It felt good. Me: a woman, on my own, strong, independent, age 50 drinking single malt.
Whisky does things to you that nothing else can. It warms the chest. It makes you feel okay for dumping someone. It increases your libido. It makes everything glow. And glisten. I liked it, a lot.
I drank too much. I drank too much when I thought about what I had done to my ex-husband. I drank too much when I thought about that fat ex-friend who had been so nasty to me. I drank far too much when I thought about the lover that I really wanted that I knew I would never have. And then I drank so much, I noticed I had put on 4 kilos.
And so I stopped. I did not want to be FAT. I could be anything. I could be a terrible mother, a dumper of husbands, a home wrecker, a cyber-sexer, a whore. I could even be an alcoholic. But I could not be fat. I loved my whisky. It had made me feel good. I thought about options. Cocaine could work, but it’s far too expensive. Bath Salts apparently brilliant, but I didn’t really want to eat someone’s face. Meditation. Boring. Masturbation?
Masturbation. Of course. So instead of drinking, I masturbated. It was a hellova lot cheaper. Great exercise. Good cardio. And I never woke up with a headache.
Advice to newly single people
The first year sucks, no matter who has done the leaving. Drink, definitely, but not too much. Date, definitely, but not too much. Do not drink and date at the same time. Do not get fat. Never get fat. Try therapy. Only buy single malt. Masturbate. And above all, keep your sense of humour.